A pause today...

I pause in the business of this day to call to mind my brother, Paul.

Two years ago on this day a sudden heart attack took him from us at the age of 44 so this day is quiet, reflective, and probably always will be. At times I used to forget his birthday, was it the 26th or 27th of October, but this day is locked in, seared, and in a headline print too obvious to ignore.

Now I would like to tell you that faith has triumphed over death and loss as we bask in the power of the resurrection but for me, at least, it is not so and may never be. Only the eyes of eternity see the why's and wherefore's of that day. I have no clue. None of it makes sense and I still have not seen the good of it. I rarely cry, am basically never angry. I'm just numb and the every time I would like to speak there is only silence.

On the far edges of my faith there is a place of rest in all of this and I see it as I plod along but that's just about the pace of things. I have no fear for my brother but I am silenced by the helplessness of it all. I don't question God but we haven't really spoken much about it either. The whole of it is like a bone stuck in my throat, not enough to strangle but easily enough to leave me with a perpetual cough.

I pray for his wife, for his children, for my mother who had to bury a child, and I hope for the best. Tonight I'll visit his grave and light a candle. I'll cry there and then spend the night awake in thought one step closer to home, one step closer to home.