Headaches part two...

In a few hours I'll be paying a visit to a new doctor. The new year apparently is the time when your HMO gets changed and so I have to start all over again with an unknown doctor and he, in this case, with me.

It's about the pesky headaches that arrived the day after Christmas and still seem to be lingering around. I've had the chiropractic work done and its helped some. I've treated the sinus infection and that has made things a bit better. I've even stopped the meds. Yet they're still there, bearable by their familiarity but still a nuisance.

The truth is I'm not a big fan of the medical industrial complex even though I've made my living within its embrace for many years. To get to the bottom of this we're going to have to question, poke, and prod. All along the way there will be forms to fill out and rooms in which to wait. In the end we still may fing no immediate answer or worse yet the doctor will give up and say "It's all in your head", which, of course, it actually is but there's no comfort and no resolution in that. Regardless I've brought a book to pass the time.

I've thought about all the scary options like "What if it's a tumor?" and that seems so unreal it would take me a moment of two to focus if I actually heard those words, some seconds to absorb it as something other than abstract. I suppose if that were the case I'd at least have a target to shoot at, a direct cause and effect and in some sad sort of way an answer. These things happen and why should I be exempt?

But in truth the chances are slim and what's more likely in store for me is the presence of a new malady in my life. When I talk about this with the folks who live where I work they tell me of a lifetime of migraine headaches and how it impacts their life. I remember having these headaches occasionally as a child. I would call them "light headaches" because I just wanted to close my eyes and stay in the dark hoping for some relief. Perhaps they're back to stay, given a new lease on life by virtue of old accidents and injuries, new stresses, and who knows what else. I suppose I have Adam and Eve to thank for this, welcome to the mortal world.

The one blessing in this is that it has drawn me closer to God. I'm not saying I'm some sort of saint or anything like that. I've got a long way to go. But illness has the power of clarifying things, of providing focus, of shedding all that is less and directing the heart to all that matters. At two in the morning when I'm awakened by my head hurting very few things other then prayer make sense and the realization that, whatever the diagnosis, I truly am mortal and subject to all the laws of age and decay that temporarily rule this world really does set my sights on higher things. I wouldn't want the pain if I could help it but it seems that this kind of insight and pain somehow are part of the same package and so the trade, for now, seems at least sort of fair.

That all being said it's a pretty good day today, no splitting headache and just the usual sort of pressure feeling that's been my companion now for over a month. My eyes are a little out of focus but not so bad that I can't drive or work. In a little while the search for answers begins. I'll have my book ready for the waiting room and my prayer rope if things get rough.

No comments: